Topic: Ideology & Identity; Pancasila, constitution,
Skill: Essay writing, critical thinking
TASK SUMMARY
Students were asked to write an essay titled "To what extent does humanist accurately describe me?" using a suitable writing approach and style, to persuade readers. Then share it with a fellow student and ask them to write an essay review or critique.
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Peer Assessment
Assessing Short Essay
The essay:
To what extent does humanist accurately describes me?
Humanist, to a very little extent describes me. According to the British humanist association (2015), humanism is the belief that we can live without superstitious or religious belief, and that we only have one life so we should make the best of it. A direct quote from Robert Ingersoll directly explains how a humanist thinks, “Happiness is the only good…the time to be happy is now, and the way to be happy is to make others so”.
Ethically, I am acting as what my bible tells me. I believe in the thought that we should all live to help, respect and treat each other the way we want to be treated. I myself, try to act that way. I tend to help people when I do have the chance, and treat people the way I would want to be treated. The big question is, am I doing all that because I believe and obey god’s instructions or am I doing it because I am naturally inclined to do it, for myself?
Another perspective that I would like to mention is in terms of how we should treat animals. As mentioned by Islam Awareness, “Islam teaches the good treatment of the animals in our lives, and the protection of them”. Yet again, I do treat animal the way my religion teaches me to. Once more however, I am starting to even more question myself whether I am doing it for myself or because I am obeying god’s instructions?
All things considered, I am starting to realize how more of a humanist I am than I actually think I am. I realize that I am doing it all for myself, not because the god I am taught to believe in tells me to do so.
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Student Review Critique:
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XXX has written a quite well written short essay. She starts the essay with the definition of the topic that she’s going to discuss in her essay. In the very first beginning of the essay, she also has stated her thesis. It says that humanist describes her in a very little extent. She also uses proper citation method to cite the source she used. She also includes a quote that related with the topic she’s writing, which I think one of the good ideas to make the flow of the essay better.
In the second paragraph, she also strongly states that she is acting according to the bible tells her to do, ethically. That statement then is followed by stating her opinion and her belief in the thought and act she believes to do. In the last sentence of the second paragraph, she also uses a rhetorical question, which I think really good to keep the readers interesting in reading her essay. By including that rhetorical question, it also brings curiosity to the reader’s sense.
In the third paragraph, she also successfully mentions her other perspective. However, when she uses the Islam Awareness as one of her source, she forgot to properly cite the source. It’s either she forgot or she was a bit in a rush in writing the proper citation.
Then in the very last paragraph, which has landed to her conclusion, she then states that she is actually more humanist than she thinks she was. However, in the last sentence of that paragraph, I’m not quite sure what she’s trying to say because of the words order that pretty confusing to be understood, but probably it’s because she was in a rush.
Overall, the short essay that she has written is quite well written. The flow itself flows pretty well. In the conclusion part, she has successfully stated her conclusion, however, I think it can be better written (expand it a little bit probably) if she has more time to write it. She also forgot to include the reference list, which is supposed to be included in every essay as she uses several sources to help her write this essay. However, with some errors detected, it still has a good point and good flow, so I would score her essay 83%.
Word count (assessment only): 384
Reference List:
Young, J. (2014). Critical Thinking Writing Structure. Retrieved February 18, 2015, from https://docs.google.com/drawings/d/1etdYbAnJPr2C_PtJKkhVwFPDIBRF2RdMz60eKkk0QWs/edit
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TASK SUMMARY
Students were asked to write an essay using a suitable writing approach and style, to persuade readers. I invite you to enjoy reading one of this year's G11 students' response to the title question
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To what extent would you change the Pancasila to make Indonesia better?
Indonesia’s five ideological pillars, the “Pancasila”, in theory is a great philosophical
foundation for Indonesia, though it does not mean that the Pancasila have led Indonesia to a
smooth run. Problems in Indonesia have persisted not necessarily because of a major flaw in
the ideological foundation, but mainly due to the government’s incompetence and failure to be
led by the five principles, as Francisca Perwitasari (2013) of Atma Jaya University has once
said, “The government had failed to be led by the five principles when dealing with problems”.
However, in order to further bring Indonesia towards the betterment of the country, the
Pancasila could use a few minor changes, an update, to adapt to the conditions of the modern
day Indonesia. This update should consist of the first and principle sila, “The belief in the one
and only God” being revised to a more universal moral principle, or at least brought down to a
lower order in the set of five. Furthermore, the fifth sila, “Social justice for all of the people of
Indonesia” should rise to higher importance, as certainly a just social landscape is not what
Indonesia has right now. The betterment of Indonesia would be obviously of great interest to
the count, but it matters also to the whole world because when a country’s internal conditions
are great, chances are their contribution to global economy, politics, and other issues would
be enhanced.
Indonesia is one of the countries where religion plays an almost universal part not only
in everyday life, but also in politics alike. The first principle, translated to “The belief in the
one and only God”, Indonesia have made it clear of that. Nevertheless, there exists a floating
notion amongst Indonesia’s 250 million inhabitants that religion, brought outside the realms
of personal spirituality does more harm than good. This is not to say that religion does not, or
should not matter, but perhaps in Indonesia, religion matters too much than it should.
Religious intolerance have seen wars being fought, places of worships being burnt to the
ground, the imprisonment of the innocent, the deaths of many, and moreover, a collective
feeling of distress and unrest. To list instances of religious conflicts in Indonesia would be too
overwhelming, from one civilian imprisoned due to being an atheist and sharing his views on
social media, to Muslim groups publicly announcing their hostile stance towards the so-called
“Christianisation” of the country, to a more massive scale of the Muslim and Christian conflicts
in Ambon, Maluku that killed thousands. According to the Setara Institute that monitors
religious freedom, there were 264 attacks on religious minorities in 2012 and 243 cases in the
first 10 months of 2013. Religion without a doubt have their positive values, but it would be
blind of the country to say that religion doesn’t play any part in the tearing apart of the
country. Hence, the first principle regarding the belief in one God should at least not be put as
the first and almost defining principle of Indonesia. Furthermore, an update of the Pancasila
to not include any God-related principle would be desirable, replacing it with a more
universal moral conduct to guide ethical and moral behaviour, instead of having an institution
which is too diverse by nature to be a universal standard for this nation of 250 million.
“Keadilan sosial bagi seluruh rakyat Indonesia”, millions of Indonesians chant every
Monday during flag raising ceremonies throughout the country; yet, this fifth sila or principle
still arguably remains the most contradictory to actual conditions in the country and the one
that have been failed by the government as the Indonesian society is really, everything but
just. John Rawls (2003), an American political philosopher in his book ‘Justice as Fairness’
defined social justice as “assuring the protection of equal access to liberties, rights, and
opportunities, as well as taking care of the least advantaged members of society.”
Furthermore, he argued that “whether something is just or unjust depends on whether it
promotes or hinders equality of access to civil liberties, human rights, opportunities for
healthy and fulfilling lives, as well as whether it allocates a fair share of benefits to the least
advantaged members of society.” Referring to those definitions, Indonesia’s social justice
landscape is incredibly poor. The Human Rights Watch (2014) reported in their 2014 World
Report that a The Alliance of Independent Journalists (2013) documented 23 cases of violence
against journalists, representing a lack of freedom of expression. Gender equality also seems
to be a far-reach for Indonesians, with regulations that seem silly such as banning women
from straddling motorcycles and banning women from dancing. The Indonesian Commission
on Violence against Women (August 2014) reported that national and local governments had
passed 60 new discriminatory regulations in 2013, adding up to a total of 342. Indonesia also
fails to really include “all people of Indonesia” for their idea of social justice, with the
Indonesian society as a whole still have their backs against the LGBT community and their
issues. It is necessary that Indonesia truly lives by what it proudly states in its ideology and
strive to include all Indonesians, just as the principle have claimed to do.
Indonesia’s government is more flawed than the Pancasila could ever be and they
crucially need an update and improvement more than the Pancasila could ever need.
Universitas Gadjah Mada’s Prof. Dr. Sudjito, S.H. (2011) noted that there are multiple acts and
regulations of the government that were deemed as contradictory and not in accordance with
Pancasila, saying “Many laws and acts are problematic, but still enacted. Such trends still
continue to take place so that state enforcement is running on the flawed legislation.”
Furthermore, Chairman of the Pancasila Study Center Expert Team in the university, Prof. Dr.
dr. Sutaryo, SP.A (2011) said that the current problems are due to many products that are not
produced based on Pancasila philosophy. The intents of the five principles are surely nothing
short of holiness and a government truly based on those principles should hypothetically lead
to good morals, social justice, equality, patriotism, unity, and furthermore, stable political and
economic landscape. However, the government have failed the ideology and has led to the
suffering of millions. The most effective, much-needed, and crucial way to make Indonesia
better is to make the government better in acting in accordance to the five principles.
Indonesia’s journey towards a truly ideal country based on universal values is a long
and winding one. It is no guarantee that we will even see Indonesia overcoming all its major
problems in our lifetime. The Pancasila, having been established in 1945 should theoretically
serve as a compass for Indonesians to reach the destination. Upgrades on the compass to
better suit present conditions should only help Indonesia arrive to the destination faster. This
is, if the government improves themselves along the way. If the government and the society
don’t work together in its actions in accordance to the Pancasila, a largely ideal philosophical
foundation for Indonesia, Indonesia will never, ever, become better. With Indonesia having
been gifted with a new leader in the past year, we can only hope that things will start looking
up for Indonesia.
STUDENT AUTHOR
Sekolah Victory Plus 2014-2015
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